Tomorrow a lot of people will be reading the new Dan Brown novel, but I will be reading the infinitely more suspenseful Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. And since everyone (I’m not going to specify who falls into this category) will be blogging/reviewing/emailing/conspiring about the new Dan Brown novel, I have a few words for my symbologist-historian-romantic-world-do-gooder-extraordinaire: Goethe.

While this may sound elitist, that is a common misconception — Goethe is for everyone, a hero for everyone who transcends genre. A hero who braves history, critical theory (a.k.a a special kind of symbology), the great mysteries, evil villains, evil Roman Catholic Church (Goethe was a Protestant), and yes, the secret affairs of the heart. Goethe himself (unlike Dan Brown) travels to far and distant European centers to brave the great mysteries of the world and discover the (surprisingly) always-surprising power of love. He even came up with the concept “World Literature.” And unlike Dan Brown, Goethe doesn’t write with so many italicized words and sentences that even serious characters sound like Miley Cyrus.

So think twice before running off to pick up your pre-ordered Lost Symbol at Barnes and Noble, because (and I’m going to let you in on this ancient secret) Goethe would beat Dan Brown’s sensationalized, made-for-movies, MTV video, literary posing in a duel any day. And while this may seem harsh, since Dan Brown is a millionaire, the only sympathy I have is for Tom Hanks’s forehead.

-Nikki-Lee